Words

This past month or so has been really hard for me. I've been self-diagnosing myself with depression for over a year now, and before you say, "self-diagnostics don't mean anything." I want to explain. My mom is a certified nurse who works in the E.R. she totally understands physical ailments. Mental, however, not so much. I brought it up to her in March of 2015, I was doing the dishes, and I could not stop crying. She, and my dad both brushed it off. Saying, "Oh, honey, I'm sure you're totally fine." I immediately dropped the plate that I was cleaning into the sink, and listened to the clang ricochet after me as I stormed up the stairs into my room. I was livid then. I'm understanding now. They didn't understand. They still don't understand, and I can't blame them for that. How could I? I don't even understand, and it's my head.

"It comes in waves, and tonight I'm drowning." I don't know who this quote is by, or where it's from, but it fully explains what's happening. Some days, I'm okay. Others, I can't even force myself out of my bed. This thing, whatever it is, it never really goes away. I'm the princess and it's the dragon guarding my tower. Sometimes it's sleeping, sometimes it's not, but it's always there. Waiting, and watching for the perfect moment to breathe its burning breath onto everything that I've created over the past; day, month, year, whatever. It finally had gotten to the point that I started contemplating, even planning, how I was going to end my life. It seemed that taking that drastic, extreme leap would be infinitely better than continuing to battle down this beast. I didn't think that I'd ever actually do it, but on Friday last week it got to the point where that leap seemed like the only possible way that I would feel peace. I tried. I wanted to end it so badly that it physically hurt. My heart hurt. But I couldn't. The faces of everyone that I've ever known flashed through my head in an instant. I couldn't leave them. Not like this. Suicide doesn't just affect you, it affects numerous other people.

I was talking to a friend after the incident, and he had me talk him through what I was going to do. I can't tell you how much that hurt. Even just telling someone that I love and care about, that I had thought about ending everything ripped me apart. I cried more in that hour that I was on the phone with him than I ever have.

Please, if you're struggling with something that seems like it is never going to go away, talk to someone. Anyone. You don't know just how much your death would affect other people. There are countless hotlines out there that are ready, and waiting for you to call. You are a beautiful, wonderful, inspiring human being, and there are so many, countless people who would miss you. I know that it doesn't seem like it in the moment, but it's true. Don't you let that dragon beat you. You can do this. I believe in you.
-M